Incompetent

 I’ve been working the single mom/full time career woman role for a year and a half now. It’s been a lot to juggle, to say the least.  I got news that a local school has openings for VPK3 in the fall, and I’m signing Jack up.  A lot of prayers have been answered.  This boy deserves to be in a school, with other children. I deserve the space to work, as well.  I am so excited for my son. I know he is equally as excited as I am. Eager for this new chapter in our lives. So incredibly grateful. 

It almost forgot the crippling feeling, when you force your thoughts on me. Your illness, crammed down my throat.  No room to wiggle, no place to hide. Smothered, in a breathless ball of insanity.

I think about you daily. The one who made me a mommy. The one who made my entire universe evolve, so rapidly. Forever my baby, to never grow old. I’ll hold you forever.

Where do you start, when you have been living in hell? Every single little step matters.  Getting out of bed, washing your face, hugging your child... I may not be where I want to be in this life, but I am going to get there.  If you are struggling, I see you.  If you are sad, I feel you. If you are full of grief, I grieve with you.  I could not have been able to get out, without the support of many.  I believe that some souls come into our life to enhance our manifestation. They give you courage, and hope.  They hold you up, and brace you, when you feel you have collapsed.  They cheer you on, even when you feel as though there is nothing to cheer for.  And the ones who have left this earth before us, they are guiding us, as well. They are shining a light in darkness, so you can see your way out.  Heres to the ones who are there with us through the thick of it!

I am trying to figure out where I am going, in so many different ways right now.  To say that I am unsure and afraid is a complete understatement. For a little over a year now, I have been working on figuring out who I am, what I want, what I need.. I have made some harsh choices in my life, and have experienced some incredibly tough losses.  Trusting myself is difficult. I’m terribly afraid of making the wrong choices, again.  Even when something seems so right, I’m doubting it. It cannot be true, or real. Or, maybe I truly do not deserve it.  I am my own worst enemy, when I should be my own best friend. Especially now, when I need it the most.  Working on all of the things. Slowly, but surely. 

 When I was younger, I used to want to be married before I was 40. I would ask the universe for it.  I am now 38 years old, and have worn the ring from 3 different men. I went on to marry none of these men. Ironic, and also eye opening.  Sometimes I focus on one specific thing that I want, and I end up with it. It may end up being a very good, or a very bad thing. I was specifically asking for marriage.  I no longer really care about a piece of paper and a ring. What does it really do, anyway?  I need so much more than that, and I realized it upon my recent failed engagement.  I do not want the ring! What I do want, however, is my best friend. The one that I can laugh with always, and be loud and crazy with. The one who I can also be completely serious and quiet with. The man who I will always feel safe with. The one who will lead me on my greatest adventures.  I hope I am finally figuring it all out, and I am happy to not be living with such an insign...