My Baby Shower Weekend - Oct 27th

So, we have made it to 29 weeks and 2 days.
I had a not so great appointment yesterday that has just put me in such a funk of a state of mind.
I generally have some pretty bad anxiety when I go to the high risk doctor. This is to be expected, after losing a baby. I know I suffer from PTSD from my loss, and there isn't much they can do to treat me for anxiety while I am pregnant, without hurting the baby possibly.
My nurse that comes weekly checks my blood pressure, amongst other tasks that she has been hired to perform for my pregnancy, since I am so high risk. I am usually around 130/80 when she comes.
When I go to my regular OB office I am around the same as what my nurse reads.
When I go to my high risk, my blood pressure is elevated EVERY SINGLE TIME. The doctors there understand, and agree with me that due to my severe anxiety, it is making me test high.
Well, this week when my nurse came, my blood pressure was high. And of course, when I went to the high risk doctor this week, it was high again. I made sure to tell my doc that my BP read high during my nurse visit, because this could be a sign of either preeclampsia or gestational hypertension.
I do not have any of the other symptoms of preeclampsia at the moment, because believe me, I asked a ton of questions, and expressed my extreme concern. Basically at this point, if I have another high reading at home, my doctor is going to need to do a series of blood work and tests. I am likely to be induced and have the baby 3 weeks early, which would be around December 19th.
I have a feeling that I am going to end up with a gestational hypertension diagnosis in this pregnancy, or even worse, possibly preeclampsia. Both are not good, and scare the crap out of me.
So, now I am not only stressing about what I have been stressing about this entire pregnancy, but I also have this heavily weighing on my chest. A few people have told me that I need to relax. Yes, I sure do need to relax!! Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no idea what I am going through physically, and emotionally. It is very difficult to relax in a pregnancy when you have already lost a baby.
Anyway, rant over.
Sunday is my baby shower.
I am going to enjoy this moment.
I WILL NOT LET THIS BUMP IN THE ROAD RUIN MY BABY SHOWER DAY!!
We have made it this far! When it is all said and done, and I get to hold my baby, it will be worth every single day of panic, and every last tear.


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